Pre-Surgery Jitters

I can't believe it is finally the night before surgery. Two weeks ago I wondered if my surgery would ever happen and now it seems so suddenly here.

I think I have done everything I can right now. Cleaned up the house somewhat, cleaned my CPAP equipment (that I do not even want to take), washed some clothes, packed my bags, made semi-homemade soap....and worried about every little thing with regard to my surgery.

Did I do my diet good enough to shrink my liver? Because it seems like I haven't lost any weight this week. But people keep telling me I have. I don't know until surgery time because I don't own a scale.

Am I packing everything I need? Am I packing too much?

Will my surgery go ok? Does the anesthesiologist REALLY know what they're doing....or are they dyslexic with numbers?

Why the hell do I have to bring my CPAP machine when I haven't used it in a year or more? I'm pretty sure if I'm stable I'll be fine without it and will only be irritated by having to wear it. Doubtless there will be arguments about this with my nurse or respiratory therapy or my doctor. But the anesthesiologist threatened to re-intubate me after surgery if I didn't bring it.

Also, I have an extremely large amount of anxiety about being naked in front of people. No telling how many people have said that I won't care once they give me some kind of medicine. ...but I'm pretty sure I will care unless it knocks me out. I think I would rather it knock me out. I don't want to have to see or talk to anyone that sees me naked. I think I am more anxious about this than the actual surgery.

Everyone keeps telling me that "oh the staff won't care, they've seen it all a million times before." Well duh, so have I! I used to work there at the hospital where I'm having my surgery. It's completely different when you are the patient and all these people are potentially going to be looking at you. Possibly judging you because you are overweight.  I care about myself, but I can't put aside a lifetime of disparaging remarks overnight.

But this has been going around and around in my head for 11 months since I started this process. I knew that I would be like this, and I'm just going to have to suck it up and barge through it.


And probably cry like a baby.

But then I'll be ok. :)

So here's to hoping that I will have an update with a positive surgery result and far less anxiety by tomorrow afternoon!